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Wednesday, 22 September 2010

Spelling tips



Its the start of an academic year (well not for me lol) so fuck it. Here's how to remember how to spell some words:

Because:
*Big
*Elephants
*Can't
*Always
*Use
*Small
*Exits

Diarrhoea:
*Dash
*In
*A
*Real
*Rush,
*Hurry
*Or
*Else
*accident

I before E except after C, Unless your spelling weird, coz its just weird

"Affect" is a verb meaning 'to change or make a difference to someone or something'
"Effect is a noun meaning 'A result'


There are many othe- hang on a sec.
So soon? Fine, Mr.Character over and out!

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Big man tings

Alright, so not as much of a guide as usual but more a commentary of how my life is changing right now. Everything seems so much more grown up lol (18 btw)

*My oyster card (free bus travel for non-uk guys) expires in 9 days, which is odd because im not used to paying for buses. For me this is a large indication that im getting old and should probably start taking things seriously

*All my friends are going to university now - Im not because i think its stupid and i cant be bothered anyway (read my earlier post about uni)

*Im supposed to be able to do everything by myself, lol at that.

*Everything ive bought in the last 4 months has been from my own money - feels good man.

*Im expected to be able to put in at least 40 hours a week of work. This isn't bad as i dont mind it and money is money, but its still kinda weird to me that im on these levels.

*Noone treats me like a kid anymore, and to be honest, i preferred it that way as i had a "get out of jail free" card for immature acts, now i can't get away with it anymore, badtimes.

*I have to dress (kinda) smart. Individuality seems to have gone out of the window, all this demonstrates to me is how superficial our society today is and i hate it.


Oh well, im not dead yet!!! Heres a car on fire:

Sunday, 19 September 2010

How to survive business meetings.


With the corporate life in full swing and everything seems to be going at full pace like a rocket ship on its way to uranus, Mr.Character has deemed it necessary to provide a guide that will enable his loyal following to get through these boring as hell events and back to your normal life of sitting on the computer watching the clouds float by in one piece.



Right, I've been a little busy this weekend. Namely attending a weekend long business meeting. Which gave me a brilliant idea for my next blog: How to survive business meetings. Now, im not one for "the man" and fuck the corporation and all that jazz. So obviously i've discovered a few little things that had managed to piss me off but its all good though because at the end of the day i knew i'd be writing to you all so you can learn from my mistakes.

How to survive business meetings



*Sit next to someone stupid - because, surprise surprise, they'll make you look slightly less unintelligent. This makes perfect sense and you should definately adhere to it. Also, if possible, sit at the back so that you don't get noticed.

*Say as little as possible - because, in all honesty, the people you're in the meeting with won't actually give a fuck about what you have to say anyway and even if they did, what do you get from telling them your great scheme to reduce costs by 25% in just two weeks? Probably nothing. Sit down, shut up.

*Bring paper and a pen - This is useful because business meetings are boring and you're gonna need something to doodle in. Also, it looks like your paying attention and writing notes when your actually drawing a 1/16th scale detailed diagram of emporor zerg's spaceship (Although maybe thats just me...)

*Don't fall back on your chair - This will not only make you look ridiculously stupid, but will also attract attention. Apparantly you could also end up seriously injured, but that's just a minor consequence compared to being the laughing stock of your workplace for the next few months.

*Yawning and sleeping are bad - Try and keep your eyes open. Drink red bull or something. Just don't go to sleep or, again, you'll probably just attract attention to yourself. This may also decrease your chances of getting a promotion.

*Do not order a pizza to the meeting - Surprising as it is, the senior executive (probably) won't be too pleased with this. Im not sure why but that just seems to be the way things goes.


There we have it. You should now be better equipped to challenge the harsh world of business meetings. Good luck, and don't get fired.




Lastly, i'll leave you with a piece of advice that i learned at that business conference "Learn by experience - But it doens't have to be your own".

Friday, 17 September 2010

Thanks Guys

Well, i just wanna say thanks guys. It's kinda hard to believe that there's 200 people reading what i have to say. I'd like to think ive made positive contributions to your lives through my guides, if i haven't then i couldn't care less but y'know it's all good

Here's to many more posts and hope i can continue to provide my own brand of Original Content.

As this is a guide. i'll still offer some advice: Keep yourself free of STD's - Don't fuck whores




Anything you need help with? Tell me.

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Why people cannot be trusted - at all.

As everyone will probably know, people are completely unreliable, untrustworthy and generally dickheads. Everyone believes this as the human mind is programmed to notice other's faults, so this means you are just as much of a dickhead as the people you hate - wayhey! Nevertheless Mr.Character's latest guide is just a list of reasons as to why the general populus suck salty balls. So i guess it's more of a rant than a guide. In any case, enjoy.




*Firstly, ever heard the "I'll call you back" speech? This usually comes from big corporations and companies, but even friends do it. Leaving you waiting for a phone call that just simply doesn't happen, what a waste of time. Of course, you've probably done the same thing yourself.

*Which brings me onto my second point: Big companies actually suck uber bollocks, many more times the size of regular bollocks that can fit into normal peoples mouths. They don't actually give a fuckand its like talking to a superdouche. Don't even bother calling thier "help line's" unless you happen to have a spare two hours listening to computerised nonsense.

*Never mind big companies, there are also things called individuals. Some individuals can be acceptable, but for some reason as soon as you group them up they become complete and utter dicks whom i hate. The fact that they all try to fit in with each other in order to feel socially "accepted" is bullhonkey. They will actually be a two timing little jebend just to get in with someone else. These people cannot be trusted. This also happens to be a survivalist instinct, so people fuck you over NATURALLY.

*My favourite quote ever - "Never trust a trained professional to do thier job properly" True stories.

*People are easily influenced - and as your not always gonna be around to lead them with your influence, other people will have to do that. Sometimes this influence can be the polar opposite of what you want. I.e you can't control people as they have free will.

*Everyone strives  to achieve thier own goals. If this entails walking completely other another persons good will, then fuck it, thats the way it is.

Right, well rant over. I love you all really ;)

cya next time.

Saturday, 11 September 2010

How to argue with a drunk

Right, we've all experienced it before, you know your right (hell, it might even be you thats the drunk[er] one) They *think* thier right. This means that, obviously, you need to win in a delicate battle of mindpower and strategical thinking. After a few beers, most people concieve themselves as invincible and some sort of omnipotent being who could not possibly be flawed. Here Mr.Character explains everything you need to have in your metaphorical arsenal to defeat a drunkard in an argument:


1) The louder you talk, the better, use this to your advantage

2) Mention the same one point repeatedly, i repeat, mention the same one point repeatedly. After 5 or so repeats the drunk may (or may not) finally be able to grasp what it is you are trying to get across to them. Even if its a silly, obvious argument like "the capital of england is definately london" you always have to mention the same one point repeatedly.

3) Be patronising. This will, firstly, work to your advantage if there happen to be any onlookers and secondly gives you the moral high ground.

4) Never let them think you agree on a subpoint. This can make them think they're right about everything, even if they are right, a good use of vocabulary can be used to prove that they're wrong.

5) Never, EVER, walk away. This means they win - and you don't want that.

6) Overexaggerate EVERYTHING.

7) The key to arguments is being right in the first place. Try to do that.




And remember: All your carefully worded arguments are falling on deaf ears.

Friday, 10 September 2010

How to survive school and/or college

As a veteran of the English educational system, Mr.Character has thought that he could be beneficial to newer members of society who still have to navigate the social hierachy of forced "learning" for no money. As much as he pities those helpless souls still stuck in that dreadful situation (actually, its hilarious to know that people have to "work" 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for no money), he believes he has a solution for you. Enjoy.

Protop: Don't piss off  the guy with the gun.

 
How to survive school and/or college 



* Get yourself stereotyped - Unfortunately, educational establishments are places where you have to conform or die. It doesn't matter which click your with, be it jocks, chavs, nerds, bikers or whatever. You just can't navigate the social hierachy by yourself. You can't try and get along with everyone because thats just long and is too much effort for anyone to feasibly do. Just try to fit in. Ususally you'll be fine doing this if you have friends...

* Humour - Be funny, everyone loves a joker. I was very nearly a social outcast in school, but because i could crack jokes in the classroom it was all well and good. Becoming a class clown of sorts makes it a lot easier to get by.

* Fight - You'll need to this in order to not get bullied. If someone steps to you i recommend a swift fist to the jaw. Chances are they won't come back again. Being good at throwing around derogatory terms to dickheads is also an idea. Just make sure that you don't become the dickhead that everyone else hates. Self-defence, not "let's attack people". Don't shoot up the school though, usually you can only do that once.

* Be fit - Strong, athletic people get on a lot better in life than weak pathetic people. Do push-ups. Gratuitous amounts of them.

* Have a unique thing - Whilst the sterotyping thing still holds true, you should also have something that makes you stand out from the crowd, to make you seem less boring. This way people will like you and it will all be good. (as long as your unique thing isn't something fucktarded like licking the windows in the classroom for 20p, your trying to fit in, not be a laughing stock.)

* Don't worry - Your future isn't going to get completely anal raped forever because you got a C in a mid term biology exam. Shit isn't as dramatic as teachers try and make out. Relax and everything will be fine.!
Brilliant! This is your guide to getting through your school life, just hold tight and let the flow take you. Remember this: Adult life sucks a lot harder. Enjoy your time as an irrisponsible young hodlum as much as you can. It doesn't last forever.

Thursday, 9 September 2010

The most crazy shit just happened

I just had a trial day for a job. and chances are i might actually have it, couldn't write a whole guide today. But i thought this would be a nice little piece of info for you all

Anyways, here's a funny picture to substitute for your daily life improvement



Something nice will be here for you tomorrow :)

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

What not to do at a pub

Alright, for a moment, albeit merely a brief instant, Mr.Character is going to assume the articles he writes is usually read by people of a legal age. For this reason, The latest guide is about what not to do at a pub as there is many an example of people being completely fucktarded and he would like to put a stop to it.
 


* Dress inappropriately - Actually show up cleaned and all and don't wear a hoodie to a formal social interaction - duh. At the same time, its probably best to not go all "suit and tie" mode (Although i'd be surprised if you even owned a suit and tie)

* If your having pre-drinks, make sure you can handle your drink - Im all for having a fun time, but you don't wanna be the guy puking in the flowerpot at 8pm. People won't look at you for the rest of the night (except to laugh) and the puke stains on your clothes probably won't go down too well with the ladies.

* Buy people drinks - If you have just met a girl im going to tell you to NOT buy them drinks. This is because women tend to be sponges, they'll take the drink and you'll never hear from them again. Of course, you don't want to be scrooge and never be charitable in any manner, but make sure you've spoken to them a bit first so that you'll be able to maintain thier attention.

* Have an argument with the bartender - Unless you never want to go to said pub again. This could also piss of the locals and leave you having to manouver your way out of the place under a barrage of chair legs and broken glasses. Good luck.

* Be a dick - Noone really wants to hear about some perfect dude with no faults at all. It won't make you popular and noone gives a fuck. Pack it in. Modesty is key.

* Order the "special drink" you've never heard of - This mostly applies for when your in foreign pubs where you may not be privvy with thier customs. Stick to drinking what you know. You don't want to be drinking the lizard penis marinated in lime spritz

* Kareoke - I disagree with this concept entirely. You probably can't sing and attempting to do so doesn't make you any better. If you can actually sing, singing in a bar will not get you anywhere so find somewhere better. This kinda stuff is for 45 year old parents. Don't do it, its cringeworthy.  -sidenote: you get worse the more you drink, go figure-



Whilst i maintain this is not a definative guide (there is SOOOO much stuff you shouldn't be doing, thats just common sense) I feel that, yet again, this guide will enable you to live a live with so much less fail.

Comments please, i love feedback, anywhere need improving?

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Life without the internet

Well, first and foremost i'd just like to mention the reason for my inactivity has been due to lacking access to the interwebs coz some fucktards messed the connection or whatever. But, every situation brings opportunities with it (i feel ive said this before...) so not having the internets has allowed me to think of a new guide. I.e this one. Enjoy:

The internet has been around for about 30 years. I'd expect it to be older than most of the people reading this, so it's kinda like a parent. So when you suddenly get kicked out and left in the savage wilderness there is only one option, and that is to remember Mr.Character's guide that you read 3 weeks ago and learn to get on with it. (As opposed to living on a park bench eating asda brand noodles and drinking special brew)


*Get out - Yes, your actually going to have to do that if you can no longer order bacon from a scroll down list on your desktop. Fortunately there are other guides below to help you out on this one. Bear in mind that your telephone bill will be a lot higher than usual if you are a sociable person.

*Make sure everything that is important to your life is written down somewhere - I.e don't rely on internet usage to clock phone numbers and stuff. I learnt this one the hard way - badtimes...

*Nerds (unless you are one) - These people tend to be intelligent. Therefore by having a circle of nerds around you, you can probably end up with a search engine full of information, just like google.  For this reason, be friends with them just in case. Talking to them about once a week should be good enough, in fact, thats far more than necessary.
            Where to find nerds
                    - Library
                    - Games workshop
                    - Basement.
                    - In wheelie bins (if your a schoolkid)
                    - Anywhere else you wouldn't want to be.

*Utilise your bed - the internet is all about wasting time. If you can't do that, sleep. Everyone loves sleep. Alternatively you could dust off your old sega megadrive and play sonic for hours, that's fine too.

*Magnets. Yes.

The only other feasible alternative to this would be to break down into a ball and cry for days on end. That won't do very well for your self-esteem. On the plus side, noone will be around to see your patheticness

Saturday, 4 September 2010

Surfing the highstreet

As some of you may or may not know, there is actually an alternative to internet shopping (weird, yes) For those of you who have to go down the plethorea of shops collectively known as a "high street" Mr.Character has developed his newest guide.

Warning - To go onto a high street, one must be a brave soul

Breeding ground of rage


* First things first - remember where your bus stops/you parked. Its very easy to get lost (especially if your not really familiar with it) and you could be stuck wondering for hours. Take a map of some descritption with you if you really need to.

* High streets are filled with what are known as retail stores. Retail stores allow you access to goods and services in exchange for your hard earned money. Unlike on the internet, these places can be haggled with, no exceptions. Take a good look at omar dijali and then you'll get a good idea as to how to haggle like a boss. Learn this art and shopping becomes so much cheaper.

* Despite what you may think, the high street can be a half-decent place to find members of the opposite sex, remember to bear my old guides in mind and don't come on too strongly, or thats just weird.

* On the contrary, the high street is also full of dickheads. Remember to stare out these little shits and don't lose in these battles, ever. Consider them similar to pokemon battles (but without the pokemon) and you'll be fine.

* Don't get too much stuff at one time (unless you have a wife, which you don't.) as carrying shit is heavy and you'll have to take literally everything you've bought and lug it around to every shop all whilst obtaining new things.

* Know what your getting or don't bring out more monies than you need - Window shopping can be expensive. Don't buy shit you don't even need. When buying shit like clothes remember to ask yourself "will i still need this in 2-3 years" If the answer to this question is no, don't even bother with it or you could lose out on a lot of monies for not a lot of useful stuff.

* Eat before you go out - As high street food is expensive and usually shit. Also bring your own drink. Money saved already - wayhey! It also helps you to stop impulse buying if your out food shopping.

* Annoy those people that give you cards and shit in public and preach about whatever it is you don't wanna be listening to today. These people are perhaps the most irritating people in the world, and it is your duty to do your bit to make sure they go away and never come back.

And there you have it, another comprehensive guide, another place you can go to in public. Your just getting better and better at this (Btw, if anyone has any ideas for guide's they'd like to read, please comment saying and i'll see what i can do)
Enjoy your shopping.

Thursday, 2 September 2010

How a basement dweller can make first contact with a girl

Girls, we've all heard of them. Some of us may have even seen one of them before, and if they're lucky enough, had actual conversations with them. Unfortunately this is not always a real option for your average basement dweller. For this reason Mr.Character has assembled his latest guide which will help you get into contact with a girl, and hold her attention (and hopefully be able to walk away without an eyeful of pepper spray)

You, Before Guide.


1) Appearances are everything. First things first, SHAVE YOUR NECKBEARD GODDAMNIT. If you look like you've just come out of a cave for the first time in ten years, no girl is gonna want to get anywhere near you. While your at it, you may as well shave any other unsightly hair (but don't go completely hairless, thats just gay)

1b) Haircut - Its on the top of your head, hence one of the things people will notice about you first. A dirty, greasy mop is bad. Get a decent haircut. If you MUST have long hair, make sure its washed and generally sorted out

1c) Clothing - A mudkip t-shirt with stains from last weeks pepperoni pizza is going to impress 0 girls. Bear this in mind when you walk outside with it. Wear clothes that compliment your style, but more importantly that are clean and don't make you look like you have the mentality of a 12 year old. Theres probably a lot more info on the internet about proper clothes selections. But this is the jist of it

2) Have a job - Women are attracted to material possessions, usually more so than looks. By being a guy who appears to have plenty of possessions, women will be all over you like flies on shit. True stories.

3) Location, location, location - Yes, where you are DOES matter. For example, chatting up girls when your in the middle of your dead end job as a bin man will probably not land you anywhere. Whereas, a social gathering organised by your friends is a ripe breeding ground for single wimminz, go figure.

4) Confidence - I cannot stress the importance of confidence enough. You've got to be the one to make the moves. Albeit in our "not-sexist-in-any-manner" society, you'd think equality would dictate that the odds of  a woman confronting a man and vice versa would be around 50-50. Its not. Therefore, no confidence = no women.

5) Rohypnol

6) Offer to get her a drink - Or whatever, this means that you can have an opportunity to sit down and maybe even have a conversation with her, which is your ultimate goal. Just remember when you begin talking to her dont start the "im lonely" epic speech. This will put all your hard work to waste

7) Mannerisms are important - Look at James bond for example. He gets pussy, he's also polite. Dont walk up to a girl like a bumbling idiot. Go for a suave approach and remember to always be polite. It does tend to go a loooooong way.


Right, thats all i have to say. Now go my pretties into the real world, find that biatch your looking for. And if all seems to be going wrong and it looks like there just isn't anyone around remember that 50% of the worlds population are women. thats like 5billion of them or some shit. Never give up!

You, After Guide

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

How to fail your driving test

The anticipation is over, the results are in. Mr.Character can confirm that the results of his driving test ended in..... Epic failure. But, despair not! Opportunities come from every crevace, and this means a great new guide for you to live your life by!!!
How to fail your driving test:
1) Criticize your tester before even getting into the car. That shiny gold tooth that makes him look like a berk? He definately needs to know about this. Those disgusting Primark shorts? Tell him you've seen better fashion on apes in zoos. Those dodgy rimmed spectacles - He should have gone to specsavers. Doing this part correctly means you probably won't even have to get into the car to fail

2) When you stall, scream. By instantly degenerating into a loudmouthed blabbering fool the second you make the slightest mistake will mean that your gonna be needing to look into boxes of cornflakes for that license you never really wanted anyway.

3) Speed up when pedestrians are trying to cross the road in places they're not supposed to. Especially when they're small children. They're annoying and im pretty sure they piss off most road users. It's a shame that your instructor will probably disprove of running over kids..... Beats me.

4) The brake pedal? What brake pedal. The less you use it, the cooler you are. Its also a shame that your instructor isn't cool and doesn't want you showing him up whilst your driving past everyone in your "L" plate laden motor vehicle and designer sunglasses.

5) Road rage - This is a concept that, apparantly, only becomes practically applicable when your a 40+ year old white van driver. Needless to say its not the best of things to be doing when your a learner driver and Mr.Hawkeye is looking for any excuse to not give you a piece of plastic that allows you to drug run for all your friends.

6) Being intoxicated is fun, driving is fun. Why not get the best of both worlds and combine two amazing activities! But, for whatever reason, your instructor will tend to not approve. That big ol' bottle of whiskey you've had since God-Knows-When will go down your oesophagus perfectly a few hours before your test.

7) Interaction with other road users is a pain in the arse. Im sure it was probably your right of way anyhow so it doesn't really matter what they think. The key to driving is to adorn an "Im king of the road, your a dickhead" mentality. This will get you to your destination faster and everyone will respect you.


By following this list of pointers, your almost guaranteed to be enjoying a lot more quality time with your instructor, which is great, right?
On the other hand, it would probably be a good idea to fix the chain on your BMX and pump up those tyres.
At least there's always alternate modes of transport...