Guigz > Mr Character

Mr.Character here, for the last time.

Alas i am moving blog staright to -------> To fix a problem

This is where you shall see me from now on, new AND improved!!!! 

Hope to see you there!!!!!!

Again click HERE for everything you ever need to hear!!!!
goodbye my lovelies

Password Update

Yep, you guessed it. I forgot my password and found it again (yaaaay)
Suppose i haven't missed much. My main question is: What is gothise and why is the vast majority of traffic coming from there?? Anyone care to explain?

You're our idol, Mr.Character

....Whatever, more importantly if you are cracked.com perusing my c.v. This is in fact my blog (The posts below the last few crappy ones are perhaps..... Readable?) albeit i have changed the name of my alias from Mr.Character to Guigz (87% more threatening) So yeah please see what you think.

For everyone else, you'd better hope i start writing to a more widespread audience otherwise a small eastern european orphan dies for every page view i am under 1,000,000 (act of god)

I might even have a trick or two up my sleeve.

Anyway, for anyone who's opinion actually matters please picture me as something similar to this right now: 

I really hope you don't hate dogs...

Get drunk

Works for me, i'm off to practise what i preach  With this:

My tipple of choice, Asda's beer de luxe. Only £6.05 for 20 beers? Sorted.

Taking advantage of procrastination

It happens to the best of us. Those times where there really is fuck all to do. For whatever reason, it may be too late to do anything productive, you're waiting around or quite simply you have nothing to do. But WHAT tools are in your arsenal to deal with that ever-present demon that is procrastination? Well, Mr.Character explains.

Getting straight down to business, YOU, dear reader, have at your disposal EVERY manner of weponary you could ever need to combat procrastination. Here is your guide:

* Waste all of your hardearned time doing those online surveys offering you money!!! - You do realise that you, nor anyone else in your situation, has or will make money off of these things? Jesus chrrrrrrrrist, don't do this if you actually wanna make serious p. If you want to make money, a better idea would be to play the lottery, at least there's some chance you'll win. Although, if you want to sit around and answer the same questions x amount of times waiting to get a hint of someone giving you anything for your hard work, be my guest.

* Push ups - Do them motherfucker. Got nothing to do? don't stuff your damn face with food. Do just a few push ups at a time and soon you'll know the difference, seriously.

* Make a list of all the people you hate and then decide on creative and graphic methods of killing them in your mind. Not quite the most psychologically safe thing to do.... But y'know.

* Write songs, play an instrument, poetry, writing, whatever. These enhance your mental capacity and something may be actually worthwhile and you'll feel proud of yourself. If not, congratulations!! Time wasted sucessfully.

* Drink beer. Need i say more?


* I simply refuse to mention a certain book about faces... But yes, that does waste your time well. But you won't notice. Kinda good for wasting your time with other people who have nothing better to do than waste some more time.

* Write a list about things you should do when your procrastinating.... Or maybe thats just me....

Like the common cold, there is no permanent cure to procrastination, but like drugs, it can be controlled. So try and keep your head cool and stay safe everyone!!!!!
Mr.Character off in this!!!!!

What to do if you get stranded

Okay heres the scenario: You and a handful of friends embarked on a train journey to somewhere pretty damn far away, say a 1 hour train ride, in order to go to a mutual friend's birthday party. The party ends, you go to the station and BANG! You have all successfully managed to miss the very last train of the night.

None of you have more than £5 (or whatever currency) In change in your pockets, with no other means of getting home. What do you do? Here Mr.Character explains all the need-to-know survival skills necessary to get out cold

*Don't wait at the train station - Why? Well, for a number of obvious reasons really
           1) They're not exactly the safest of places, you're in a confined location in a strange place inevitably nodding off. You're basicly asking for a robbing
           2) You'll get colder faster, obviously, movement is key
           3) It'll take longer to actually get home (probably....) time is money
           4) It's boring - have an adventure!!!!!
           5) The train station has no booze.

*ALWAYS have at least some money saved up for booze, but not too much. Walking along for hours on end will be frustrating, your feet will hurt and other moaning individuals really won't help. Have a little bit of alcohol money around just in case. Also, if there are no shops that serve alcohol that late, the promise of alcohol to come from the service station several miles away will definately have your pals walking at a significantly increased rate. Do it.


* Motorways are your friends. Now, it might not be the safest thing to walk along a motorway at night, but seriously. That one direct route with plenty of roadsigns to show you where you're going? Service stations along the way? If you can all walk in single file along these miracles of modern innovation, then you're trip will be eased significantly. AND you probably won't die. Probably.

*Stop at service stations - these are few and far between. So have some food, take a bit of rest, but don't stop altogether. As you may as well have just stayed at the station. about 20 minutes is a good idea.

*Sing songs, tell stories, do anything to pass time. If you make it memorable, it becomes memories, and this unbeknownst adventure becomes something your small group can share in thier friendship for years to come. If it was a petty bitchfest, its not fun. Leave the arguments, take the group singalongs.

*If you REALLY need to get out. Hitch-hiking in a random strangers car is not the most sensible of ideas. if you can find a police officer though, jackpot. Pester them to give you a lift down the motorway and suddenly your trek has become a lot less treacherous.

All-in-all by staying focused, keeping a collective group effort and remaining cheerful, you can turn what looks to be like a hellish situation into a lifetime memory. Good Luck..
Mr.Character out.

What exactly just happened?

Trees sway through the wind, sometimes crashing down to the ground by the same kind of force used to send many a sailor to thier peril on the harsh oceans. Seasons change from one to another with merely a bat of an eyelid from many of mother natures impressive biological spectators.

So too, does the time come when Mr.Character returns from a seemingly eternal slumber, during which this page was left to fester in the dying realms of cyber space.
But alas, with all the power of an almighty phoenix arising from dead ashes, Mr.Character has considered this the perfect time to return to the world of blogging and teaching all of you, very loyal readers, how to enhance your life in a perfectly humourous manner:




Hello everyone!!!!! I know its been a while, but now i am ready to make my glorious return and this time round i hope to provide you with a more interesting, witty and resourceful read to hopefully improve you, if just that slightly little bit.

The experiences i have encountered on my hiatus will no doubt be central to some of my new guides and lists. Like a fine cheese, i have matured into something even better.

So i do hope you are looking forward to hearing more from me, and i certainly can't wait to see your replies. If you have any suggestions about situations you'd like to see, or you'd just like to say hi (I like interaction) Please pop in with a comment


Anyways, whilst i get to work, have a nice picture of a camel silencing a small child

Mr.Character

Spelling tips

Its the start of an academic year (well not for me lol) so fuck it. Here's how to remember how to spell some words:

Because:
*Big
*Elephants
*Can't
*Always
*Use
*Small
*Exits

Diarrhoea:
*Dash
*In
*A
*Real
*Rush,
*Hurry
*Or
*Else
*accident

I before E except after C, Unless your spelling weird, coz its just weird

"Affect" is a verb meaning 'to change or make a difference to someone or something'
"Effect is a noun meaning 'A result'


There are many othe- hang on a sec.

So soon? Fine, Mr.Character over and out!

Big man tings

Alright, so not as much of a guide as usual but more a commentary of how my life is changing right now. Everything seems so much more grown up lol (18 btw)

*My oyster card (free bus travel for non-uk guys) expires in 9 days, which is odd because im not used to paying for buses. For me this is a large indication that im getting old and should probably start taking things seriously

*All my friends are going to university now - Im not because i think its stupid and i cant be bothered anyway (read my earlier post about uni)

*Im supposed to be able to do everything by myself, lol at that.

*Everything ive bought in the last 4 months has been from my own money - feels good man.

*Im expected to be able to put in at least 40 hours a week of work. This isn't bad as i dont mind it and money is money, but its still kinda weird to me that im on these levels.

*Noone treats me like a kid anymore, and to be honest, i preferred it that way as i had a "get out of jail free" card for immature acts, now i can't get away with it anymore, badtimes.

*I have to dress (kinda) smart. Individuality seems to have gone out of the window, all this demonstrates to me is how superficial our society today is and i hate it.


Oh well, im not dead yet!!! Heres a car on fire:

How to survive business meetings.

With the corporate life in full swing and everything seems to be going at full pace like a rocket ship on its way to uranus, Mr.Character has deemed it necessary to provide a guide that will enable his loyal following to get through these boring as hell events and back to your normal life of sitting on the computer watching the clouds float by in one piece.

Right, I've been a little busy this weekend. Namely attending a weekend long business meeting. Which gave me a brilliant idea for my next blog: How to survive business meetings. Now, im not one for "the man" and fuck the corporation and all that jazz. So obviously i've discovered a few little things that had managed to piss me off but its all good though because at the end of the day i knew i'd be writing to you all so you can learn from my mistakes.

How to survive business meetings



*Sit next to someone stupid - because, surprise surprise, they'll make you look slightly less unintelligent. This makes perfect sense and you should definately adhere to it. Also, if possible, sit at the back so that you don't get noticed.

*Say as little as possible - because, in all honesty, the people you're in the meeting with won't actually give a fuck about what you have to say anyway and even if they did, what do you get from telling them your great scheme to reduce costs by 25% in just two weeks? Probably nothing. Sit down, shut up.

*Bring paper and a pen - This is useful because business meetings are boring and you're gonna need something to doodle in. Also, it looks like your paying attention and writing notes when your actually drawing a 1/16th scale detailed diagram of emporor zerg's spaceship (Although maybe thats just me...)

*Don't fall back on your chair - This will not only make you look ridiculously stupid, but will also attract attention. Apparantly you could also end up seriously injured, but that's just a minor consequence compared to being the laughing stock of your workplace for the next few months.

*Yawning and sleeping are bad - Try and keep your eyes open. Drink red bull or something. Just don't go to sleep or, again, you'll probably just attract attention to yourself. This may also decrease your chances of getting a promotion.

*Do not order a pizza to the meeting - Surprising as it is, the senior executive (probably) won't be too pleased with this. Im not sure why but that just seems to be the way things goes.


There we have it. You should now be better equipped to challenge the harsh world of business meetings. Good luck, and don't get fired.

Lastly, i'll leave you with a piece of advice that i learned at that business conference "Learn by experience - But it doens't have to be your own".

Thanks Guys

Well, i just wanna say thanks guys. It's kinda hard to believe that there's 200 people reading what i have to say. I'd like to think ive made positive contributions to your lives through my guides, if i haven't then i couldn't care less but y'know it's all good

Here's to many more posts and hope i can continue to provide my own brand of Original Content.

As this is a guide. i'll still offer some advice: Keep yourself free of STD's - Don't fuck whores

Anything you need help with? Tell me.

Why people cannot be trusted - at all.

As everyone will probably know, people are completely unreliable, untrustworthy and generally dickheads. Everyone believes this as the human mind is programmed to notice other's faults, so this means you are just as much of a dickhead as the people you hate - wayhey! Nevertheless Mr.Character's latest guide is just a list of reasons as to why the general populus suck salty balls. So i guess it's more of a rant than a guide. In any case, enjoy.

*Firstly, ever heard the "I'll call you back" speech? This usually comes from big corporations and companies, but even friends do it. Leaving you waiting for a phone call that just simply doesn't happen, what a waste of time. Of course, you've probably done the same thing yourself.

*Which brings me onto my second point: Big companies actually suck uber bollocks, many more times the size of regular bollocks that can fit into normal peoples mouths. They don't actually give a fuckand its like talking to a superdouche. Don't even bother calling thier "help line's" unless you happen to have a spare two hours listening to computerised nonsense.

*Never mind big companies, there are also things called individuals. Some individuals can be acceptable, but for some reason as soon as you group them up they become complete and utter dicks whom i hate. The fact that they all try to fit in with each other in order to feel socially "accepted" is bullhonkey. They will actually be a two timing little jebend just to get in with someone else. These people cannot be trusted. This also happens to be a survivalist instinct, so people fuck you over NATURALLY.

*My favourite quote ever - "Never trust a trained professional to do thier job properly" True stories.

*People are easily influenced - and as your not always gonna be around to lead them with your influence, other people will have to do that. Sometimes this influence can be the polar opposite of what you want. I.e you can't control people as they have free will.

*Everyone strives  to achieve thier own goals. If this entails walking completely other another persons good will, then fuck it, thats the way it is.

Right, well rant over. I love you all really ;)

cya next time.

How to argue with a drunk

Right, we've all experienced it before, you know your right (hell, it might even be you thats the drunk[er] one) They *think* thier right. This means that, obviously, you need to win in a delicate battle of mindpower and strategical thinking. After a few beers, most people concieve themselves as invincible and some sort of omnipotent being who could not possibly be flawed. Here Mr.Character explains everything you need to have in your metaphorical arsenal to defeat a drunkard in an argument:


1) The louder you talk, the better, use this to your advantage

2) Mention the same one point repeatedly, i repeat, mention the same one point repeatedly. After 5 or so repeats the drunk may (or may not) finally be able to grasp what it is you are trying to get across to them. Even if its a silly, obvious argument like "the capital of england is definately london" you always have to mention the same one point repeatedly.

3) Be patronising. This will, firstly, work to your advantage if there happen to be any onlookers and secondly gives you the moral high ground.

4) Never let them think you agree on a subpoint. This can make them think they're right about everything, even if they are right, a good use of vocabulary can be used to prove that they're wrong.

5) Never, EVER, walk away. This means they win - and you don't want that.

6) Overexaggerate EVERYTHING.

7) The key to arguments is being right in the first place. Try to do that.

And remember: All your carefully worded arguments are falling on deaf ears.

How to survive school and/or college

As a veteran of the English educational system, Mr.Character has thought that he could be beneficial to newer members of society who still have to navigate the social hierachy of forced "learning" for no money. As much as he pities those helpless souls still stuck in that dreadful situation (actually, its hilarious to know that people have to "work" 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for no money), he believes he has a solution for you. Enjoy.

Protop: Don't piss off  the guy with the gun.

 
How to survive school and/or college 



* Get yourself stereotyped - Unfortunately, educational establishments are places where you have to conform or die. It doesn't matter which click your with, be it jocks, chavs, nerds, bikers or whatever. You just can't navigate the social hierachy by yourself. You can't try and get along with everyone because thats just long and is too much effort for anyone to feasibly do. Just try to fit in. Ususally you'll be fine doing this if you have friends...

* Humour - Be funny, everyone loves a joker. I was very nearly a social outcast in school, but because i could crack jokes in the classroom it was all well and good. Becoming a class clown of sorts makes it a lot easier to get by.

* Fight - You'll need to this in order to not get bullied. If someone steps to you i recommend a swift fist to the jaw. Chances are they won't come back again. Being good at throwing around derogatory terms to dickheads is also an idea. Just make sure that you don't become the dickhead that everyone else hates. Self-defence, not "let's attack people". Don't shoot up the school though, usually you can only do that once.

* Be fit - Strong, athletic people get on a lot better in life than weak pathetic people. Do push-ups. Gratuitous amounts of them.

* Have a unique thing - Whilst the sterotyping thing still holds true, you should also have something that makes you stand out from the crowd, to make you seem less boring. This way people will like you and it will all be good. (as long as your unique thing isn't something fucktarded like licking the windows in the classroom for 20p, your trying to fit in, not be a laughing stock.)

* Don't worry - Your future isn't going to get completely anal raped forever because you got a C in a mid term biology exam. Shit isn't as dramatic as teachers try and make out. Relax and everything will be fine.!

Brilliant! This is your guide to getting through your school life, just hold tight and let the flow take you. Remember this: Adult life sucks a lot harder. Enjoy your time as an irrisponsible young hodlum as much as you can. It doesn't last forever.

The most crazy shit just happened

I just had a trial day for a job. and chances are i might actually have it, couldn't write a whole guide today. But i thought this would be a nice little piece of info for you all

Anyways, here's a funny picture to substitute for your daily life improvement

Something nice will be here for you tomorrow :)

What not to do at a pub

Alright, for a moment, albeit merely a brief instant, Mr.Character is going to assume the articles he writes is usually read by people of a legal age. For this reason, The latest guide is about what not to do at a pub as there is many an example of people being completely fucktarded and he would like to put a stop to it.
 

* Dress inappropriately - Actually show up cleaned and all and don't wear a hoodie to a formal social interaction - duh. At the same time, its probably best to not go all "suit and tie" mode (Although i'd be surprised if you even owned a suit and tie)

* If your having pre-drinks, make sure you can handle your drink - Im all for having a fun time, but you don't wanna be the guy puking in the flowerpot at 8pm. People won't look at you for the rest of the night (except to laugh) and the puke stains on your clothes probably won't go down too well with the ladies.

* Buy people drinks - If you have just met a girl im going to tell you to NOT buy them drinks. This is because women tend to be sponges, they'll take the drink and you'll never hear from them again. Of course, you don't want to be scrooge and never be charitable in any manner, but make sure you've spoken to them a bit first so that you'll be able to maintain thier attention.

* Have an argument with the bartender - Unless you never want to go to said pub again. This could also piss of the locals and leave you having to manouver your way out of the place under a barrage of chair legs and broken glasses. Good luck.

* Be a dick - Noone really wants to hear about some perfect dude with no faults at all. It won't make you popular and noone gives a fuck. Pack it in. Modesty is key.

* Order the "special drink" you've never heard of - This mostly applies for when your in foreign pubs where you may not be privvy with thier customs. Stick to drinking what you know. You don't want to be drinking the lizard penis marinated in lime spritz

* Kareoke - I disagree with this concept entirely. You probably can't sing and attempting to do so doesn't make you any better. If you can actually sing, singing in a bar will not get you anywhere so find somewhere better. This kinda stuff is for 45 year old parents. Don't do it, its cringeworthy.  -sidenote: you get worse the more you drink, go figure-

Whilst i maintain this is not a definative guide (there is SOOOO much stuff you shouldn't be doing, thats just common sense) I feel that, yet again, this guide will enable you to live a live with so much less fail.

Comments please, i love feedback, anywhere need improving?