Public transport - your guide through it

Oh yes, buses, trains, trams, they're all there to get you from one place to another and they all totally suck donkey balls. Here, Mr.Character gives you a few handy pointers in how to deal with encounters during the daily grind.

1)If you have your ipod on, always be a DJ. Other people can probably hear the music through your earpieces. And a skinhead listening to lady gaga doesn't looks particularly inpresive, in fact, it will make you look like a mug.

2)On a cold day, open all the windows around you, shut them on hot days. If you do this, people will be less likely to sit next to you and you really dont want your average commuter to be sat next to you - trust me.

3)Wear some deodrant Goddamnit. I hate people that stink and you should too. Dont be one of those people.

4)Sit on the outside seat, so people have to ask you to sit next to them. Can provide you a handy getaway and ensures that you wont be sitting next to a 30 stone lardball, thus saving your internal organs from being crushed.

5)If it's particularly packed, stand as close to the door as possible. As you dont want to miss yoru stop. People tend to be reluctant to move and you could end up miles away from where your intending to go. This is bad.

6)Don't talk to strangers. Not because they'll take you away but because they're damn right annoying. Do you really wanna listen to a guy talk crap about something you care nothing about? You will have a better journey if he never spoke to you in the first place. For this reason always bring your ipod, but remember to adhere to rule #1

7)Be aggresive. Public transport is a dangerous place and politeness goes out the window (particularly with trains) try and stand as close to the doors as you can, especially if you want a seat, and never be a pushover or you wont even get on the thing.

And lastly be thankful you don't ever have to get on one of these beauties

.....Or if you do, pissed to be you.