How to fail your driving test

The anticipation is over, the results are in. Mr.Character can confirm that the results of his driving test ended in..... Epic failure. But, despair not! Opportunities come from every crevace, and this means a great new guide for you to live your life by!!!

How to fail your driving test:
1) Criticize your tester before even getting into the car. That shiny gold tooth that makes him look like a berk? He definately needs to know about this. Those disgusting Primark shorts? Tell him you've seen better fashion on apes in zoos. Those dodgy rimmed spectacles - He should have gone to specsavers. Doing this part correctly means you probably won't even have to get into the car to fail

2) When you stall, scream. By instantly degenerating into a loudmouthed blabbering fool the second you make the slightest mistake will mean that your gonna be needing to look into boxes of cornflakes for that license you never really wanted anyway.

3) Speed up when pedestrians are trying to cross the road in places they're not supposed to. Especially when they're small children. They're annoying and im pretty sure they piss off most road users. It's a shame that your instructor will probably disprove of running over kids..... Beats me.

4) The brake pedal? What brake pedal. The less you use it, the cooler you are. Its also a shame that your instructor isn't cool and doesn't want you showing him up whilst your driving past everyone in your "L" plate laden motor vehicle and designer sunglasses.

5) Road rage - This is a concept that, apparantly, only becomes practically applicable when your a 40+ year old white van driver. Needless to say its not the best of things to be doing when your a learner driver and Mr.Hawkeye is looking for any excuse to not give you a piece of plastic that allows you to drug run for all your friends.

6) Being intoxicated is fun, driving is fun. Why not get the best of both worlds and combine two amazing activities! But, for whatever reason, your instructor will tend to not approve. That big ol' bottle of whiskey you've had since God-Knows-When will go down your oesophagus perfectly a few hours before your test.

7) Interaction with other road users is a pain in the arse. Im sure it was probably your right of way anyhow so it doesn't really matter what they think. The key to driving is to adorn an "Im king of the road, your a dickhead" mentality. This will get you to your destination faster and everyone will respect you.


By following this list of pointers, your almost guaranteed to be enjoying a lot more quality time with your instructor, which is great, right?
On the other hand, it would probably be a good idea to fix the chain on your BMX and pump up those tyres.
At least there's always alternate modes of transport...