Life without the internet

Well, first and foremost i'd just like to mention the reason for my inactivity has been due to lacking access to the interwebs coz some fucktards messed the connection or whatever. But, every situation brings opportunities with it (i feel ive said this before...) so not having the internets has allowed me to think of a new guide. I.e this one. Enjoy:

The internet has been around for about 30 years. I'd expect it to be older than most of the people reading this, so it's kinda like a parent. So when you suddenly get kicked out and left in the savage wilderness there is only one option, and that is to remember Mr.Character's guide that you read 3 weeks ago and learn to get on with it. (As opposed to living on a park bench eating asda brand noodles and drinking special brew)

*Get out - Yes, your actually going to have to do that if you can no longer order bacon from a scroll down list on your desktop. Fortunately there are other guides below to help you out on this one. Bear in mind that your telephone bill will be a lot higher than usual if you are a sociable person.

*Make sure everything that is important to your life is written down somewhere - I.e don't rely on internet usage to clock phone numbers and stuff. I learnt this one the hard way - badtimes...

*Nerds (unless you are one) - These people tend to be intelligent. Therefore by having a circle of nerds around you, you can probably end up with a search engine full of information, just like google.  For this reason, be friends with them just in case. Talking to them about once a week should be good enough, in fact, thats far more than necessary.
            Where to find nerds
                    - Library
                    - Games workshop
                    - Basement.
                    - In wheelie bins (if your a schoolkid)
                    - Anywhere else you wouldn't want to be.

*Utilise your bed - the internet is all about wasting time. If you can't do that, sleep. Everyone loves sleep. Alternatively you could dust off your old sega megadrive and play sonic for hours, that's fine too.

*Magnets. Yes.

The only other feasible alternative to this would be to break down into a ball and cry for days on end. That won't do very well for your self-esteem. On the plus side, noone will be around to see your patheticness

Surfing the highstreet

As some of you may or may not know, there is actually an alternative to internet shopping (weird, yes) For those of you who have to go down the plethorea of shops collectively known as a "high street" Mr.Character has developed his newest guide.

Warning - To go onto a high street, one must be a brave soul

Breeding ground of rage

* First things first - remember where your bus stops/you parked. Its very easy to get lost (especially if your not really familiar with it) and you could be stuck wondering for hours. Take a map of some descritption with you if you really need to.

* High streets are filled with what are known as retail stores. Retail stores allow you access to goods and services in exchange for your hard earned money. Unlike on the internet, these places can be haggled with, no exceptions. Take a good look at omar dijali and then you'll get a good idea as to how to haggle like a boss. Learn this art and shopping becomes so much cheaper.

* Despite what you may think, the high street can be a half-decent place to find members of the opposite sex, remember to bear my old guides in mind and don't come on too strongly, or thats just weird.

* On the contrary, the high street is also full of dickheads. Remember to stare out these little shits and don't lose in these battles, ever. Consider them similar to pokemon battles (but without the pokemon) and you'll be fine.

* Don't get too much stuff at one time (unless you have a wife, which you don't.) as carrying shit is heavy and you'll have to take literally everything you've bought and lug it around to every shop all whilst obtaining new things.

* Know what your getting or don't bring out more monies than you need - Window shopping can be expensive. Don't buy shit you don't even need. When buying shit like clothes remember to ask yourself "will i still need this in 2-3 years" If the answer to this question is no, don't even bother with it or you could lose out on a lot of monies for not a lot of useful stuff.

* Eat before you go out - As high street food is expensive and usually shit. Also bring your own drink. Money saved already - wayhey! It also helps you to stop impulse buying if your out food shopping.

* Annoy those people that give you cards and shit in public and preach about whatever it is you don't wanna be listening to today. These people are perhaps the most irritating people in the world, and it is your duty to do your bit to make sure they go away and never come back.

And there you have it, another comprehensive guide, another place you can go to in public. Your just getting better and better at this (Btw, if anyone has any ideas for guide's they'd like to read, please comment saying and i'll see what i can do)
Enjoy your shopping.

How a basement dweller can make first contact with a girl

Girls, we've all heard of them. Some of us may have even seen one of them before, and if they're lucky enough, had actual conversations with them. Unfortunately this is not always a real option for your average basement dweller. For this reason Mr.Character has assembled his latest guide which will help you get into contact with a girl, and hold her attention (and hopefully be able to walk away without an eyeful of pepper spray)

You, Before Guide.

1) Appearances are everything. First things first, SHAVE YOUR NECKBEARD GODDAMNIT. If you look like you've just come out of a cave for the first time in ten years, no girl is gonna want to get anywhere near you. While your at it, you may as well shave any other unsightly hair (but don't go completely hairless, thats just gay)

1b) Haircut - Its on the top of your head, hence one of the things people will notice about you first. A dirty, greasy mop is bad. Get a decent haircut. If you MUST have long hair, make sure its washed and generally sorted out

1c) Clothing - A mudkip t-shirt with stains from last weeks pepperoni pizza is going to impress 0 girls. Bear this in mind when you walk outside with it. Wear clothes that compliment your style, but more importantly that are clean and don't make you look like you have the mentality of a 12 year old. Theres probably a lot more info on the internet about proper clothes selections. But this is the jist of it

2) Have a job - Women are attracted to material possessions, usually more so than looks. By being a guy who appears to have plenty of possessions, women will be all over you like flies on shit. True stories.

3) Location, location, location - Yes, where you are DOES matter. For example, chatting up girls when your in the middle of your dead end job as a bin man will probably not land you anywhere. Whereas, a social gathering organised by your friends is a ripe breeding ground for single wimminz, go figure.

4) Confidence - I cannot stress the importance of confidence enough. You've got to be the one to make the moves. Albeit in our "not-sexist-in-any-manner" society, you'd think equality would dictate that the odds of  a woman confronting a man and vice versa would be around 50-50. Its not. Therefore, no confidence = no women.

5) Rohypnol

6) Offer to get her a drink - Or whatever, this means that you can have an opportunity to sit down and maybe even have a conversation with her, which is your ultimate goal. Just remember when you begin talking to her dont start the "im lonely" epic speech. This will put all your hard work to waste

7) Mannerisms are important - Look at James bond for example. He gets pussy, he's also polite. Dont walk up to a girl like a bumbling idiot. Go for a suave approach and remember to always be polite. It does tend to go a loooooong way.


Right, thats all i have to say. Now go my pretties into the real world, find that biatch your looking for. And if all seems to be going wrong and it looks like there just isn't anyone around remember that 50% of the worlds population are women. thats like 5billion of them or some shit. Never give up!

You, After Guide

How to fail your driving test

The anticipation is over, the results are in. Mr.Character can confirm that the results of his driving test ended in..... Epic failure. But, despair not! Opportunities come from every crevace, and this means a great new guide for you to live your life by!!!

How to fail your driving test:
1) Criticize your tester before even getting into the car. That shiny gold tooth that makes him look like a berk? He definately needs to know about this. Those disgusting Primark shorts? Tell him you've seen better fashion on apes in zoos. Those dodgy rimmed spectacles - He should have gone to specsavers. Doing this part correctly means you probably won't even have to get into the car to fail

2) When you stall, scream. By instantly degenerating into a loudmouthed blabbering fool the second you make the slightest mistake will mean that your gonna be needing to look into boxes of cornflakes for that license you never really wanted anyway.

3) Speed up when pedestrians are trying to cross the road in places they're not supposed to. Especially when they're small children. They're annoying and im pretty sure they piss off most road users. It's a shame that your instructor will probably disprove of running over kids..... Beats me.

4) The brake pedal? What brake pedal. The less you use it, the cooler you are. Its also a shame that your instructor isn't cool and doesn't want you showing him up whilst your driving past everyone in your "L" plate laden motor vehicle and designer sunglasses.

5) Road rage - This is a concept that, apparantly, only becomes practically applicable when your a 40+ year old white van driver. Needless to say its not the best of things to be doing when your a learner driver and Mr.Hawkeye is looking for any excuse to not give you a piece of plastic that allows you to drug run for all your friends.

6) Being intoxicated is fun, driving is fun. Why not get the best of both worlds and combine two amazing activities! But, for whatever reason, your instructor will tend to not approve. That big ol' bottle of whiskey you've had since God-Knows-When will go down your oesophagus perfectly a few hours before your test.

7) Interaction with other road users is a pain in the arse. Im sure it was probably your right of way anyhow so it doesn't really matter what they think. The key to driving is to adorn an "Im king of the road, your a dickhead" mentality. This will get you to your destination faster and everyone will respect you.


By following this list of pointers, your almost guaranteed to be enjoying a lot more quality time with your instructor, which is great, right?
On the other hand, it would probably be a good idea to fix the chain on your BMX and pump up those tyres.
At least there's always alternate modes of transport...

University

Today, i can't really think of any guides. So im just gonna leave a small pointer

University is like being on the dole, leeching off society and generally wasting away - except your family is proud of you.

Also, i have my driving test tommorow, wish me luck. Incidentally, tommorrow's lesson is most likely gonna be about how to fail your driving test.

Why leaving your house is beneficial

In an attempt to reach out to his specifically targetted audience (I.e internet users) Mr.Character constantly looks for ways to create content that is relevant to his users. thats whys today's blog post is aimed at getting basement dwellers outside by providing them with a list of reasons why such activities are actually good for them.

1) People live outside. People are useful as they can be used to attain goods and services. Without knowing people you cannot get stuff. (how do you think you bought your pc in the first place?) Going outisde can also help you get more monies. And everyone needs more monies.

2)Sexy people of the opposite gender - yep, thats right, this point only comes 2nd to goods and services. Your not gonna get laid if you spend all your time behind your computer. Get out more fag.

3)Vitamin E - you get it from the sun. Without it you die. 'Nuff said. It also makes you a lot happier, apparantly.

4)Theres only one way your ever gonna get noticed - and its definately not by staying in all day. Actually do something with your life. When you die you need to make sure you leave behind a huge legacy, the more people that know you, the greater the potential of said legacy. Dream big. Live big.

5)I actually can't think of anymore reasons and to be completely honest, leaving your house is overrated anyway. It's not like you were gonna get anywhere anyway. I shall leave you now with a little picture that summarises our lesson today:

Public transport - your guide through it

Oh yes, buses, trains, trams, they're all there to get you from one place to another and they all totally suck donkey balls. Here, Mr.Character gives you a few handy pointers in how to deal with encounters during the daily grind.

1)If you have your ipod on, always be a DJ. Other people can probably hear the music through your earpieces. And a skinhead listening to lady gaga doesn't looks particularly inpresive, in fact, it will make you look like a mug.

2)On a cold day, open all the windows around you, shut them on hot days. If you do this, people will be less likely to sit next to you and you really dont want your average commuter to be sat next to you - trust me.

3)Wear some deodrant Goddamnit. I hate people that stink and you should too. Dont be one of those people.

4)Sit on the outside seat, so people have to ask you to sit next to them. Can provide you a handy getaway and ensures that you wont be sitting next to a 30 stone lardball, thus saving your internal organs from being crushed.

5)If it's particularly packed, stand as close to the door as possible. As you dont want to miss yoru stop. People tend to be reluctant to move and you could end up miles away from where your intending to go. This is bad.

6)Don't talk to strangers. Not because they'll take you away but because they're damn right annoying. Do you really wanna listen to a guy talk crap about something you care nothing about? You will have a better journey if he never spoke to you in the first place. For this reason always bring your ipod, but remember to adhere to rule #1

7)Be aggresive. Public transport is a dangerous place and politeness goes out the window (particularly with trains) try and stand as close to the doors as you can, especially if you want a seat, and never be a pushover or you wont even get on the thing.

And lastly be thankful you don't ever have to get on one of these beauties

.....Or if you do, pissed to be you.

How a night out can fail

On the assumption that everyone has been in this situation before. I.e having a great night out planned and then watching it wither up and die and leaving you to sit at home on your own mindlessly watching whatever rubbish just happens to be on tv until about 4am or some other ridiculous time. Mr.Character has listed a few of the more common ways in which an average night out will fail. Remember to bear these points in mind before you head out on a weekend

*YOU fail to plan anything - When you want to go out, and neither you nor anyone else has a plan. You spend hours of calling credit asking people whats happening, and they're busy doing the same thing. In order to have a guaranteed successful night out, you need to make sure that *someone* actively has a plan and you dont just assume someone else will plan, otherwise do it yourself.

*You don't have calling credit - The world doesn't come to you. If you can't communicate, dont expect anything to happen for you, simple enough.

*You spend too long on the internet - Counterintuitive, i know, if i want you to continue reading this blog. But yes. Facebook et al do practically FUCK ALL to help you out in the real world. For this reason, screw social network websites and go get some real friends.

*Leaving things to the last minute - As a general statement, you can't get your entire social circle out in 30 minutes. (unless your superman or something.) so you might wanna think ahead and have people know about the idea well in advance, an obvious point but yeah

*When your with people you dont like. - Its probably best to not go out in the first place if this is the case, unless there's some hot guy/girl there that you want, its not worth it.

*You get too intoxicated too early - Seriously, don't do this, if you can't hold your drink that badly, drink less, if you still want to look cool go sly and do something like buy a sprite but tell everyone its a vodka and sprite. Works every time (until they taste it)

*You NEED that kebab - No No No. IF your on someone. do NOT buy a kebab or food of this general description, you don't want to ruin a whole nights efforts by disgusting your accuired target at the last hurdle.

*You fail at life - Get a job, Captain Neckbeard!

As a general statement if you wake up anything like this:

Then you probably had a decent night out.

Because...

While im here, i think it may as well be useful doing something that is actually productive. So yeah.