Life without the internet

Well, first and foremost i'd just like to mention the reason for my inactivity has been due to lacking access to the interwebs coz some fucktards messed the connection or whatever. But, every situation brings opportunities with it (i feel ive said this before...) so not having the internets has allowed me to think of a new guide. I.e this one. Enjoy:

The internet has been around for about 30 years. I'd expect it to be older than most of the people reading this, so it's kinda like a parent. So when you suddenly get kicked out and left in the savage wilderness there is only one option, and that is to remember Mr.Character's guide that you read 3 weeks ago and learn to get on with it. (As opposed to living on a park bench eating asda brand noodles and drinking special brew)

*Get out - Yes, your actually going to have to do that if you can no longer order bacon from a scroll down list on your desktop. Fortunately there are other guides below to help you out on this one. Bear in mind that your telephone bill will be a lot higher than usual if you are a sociable person.

*Make sure everything that is important to your life is written down somewhere - I.e don't rely on internet usage to clock phone numbers and stuff. I learnt this one the hard way - badtimes...

*Nerds (unless you are one) - These people tend to be intelligent. Therefore by having a circle of nerds around you, you can probably end up with a search engine full of information, just like google.  For this reason, be friends with them just in case. Talking to them about once a week should be good enough, in fact, thats far more than necessary.
            Where to find nerds
                    - Library
                    - Games workshop
                    - Basement.
                    - In wheelie bins (if your a schoolkid)
                    - Anywhere else you wouldn't want to be.

*Utilise your bed - the internet is all about wasting time. If you can't do that, sleep. Everyone loves sleep. Alternatively you could dust off your old sega megadrive and play sonic for hours, that's fine too.

*Magnets. Yes.

The only other feasible alternative to this would be to break down into a ball and cry for days on end. That won't do very well for your self-esteem. On the plus side, noone will be around to see your patheticness